The holidays can be a time of connection, reflection, and joy but for many people, they also bring a mix of stress, tension, and old emotional patterns. Family gatherings in particular can reactivate the same dynamics that used to make us feel small, unseen, or misunderstood.
Whether it’s political debates at the dinner table, subtle (or not-so-subtle) comments about your life choices, or just the emotional intensity of being back in the same room with family members who once pushed your buttons, it’s easy to lose our balance.
DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) offers practical, research-backed tools to help us stay centered, respond effectively, and even find moments of peace amid the chaos.
Here’s how you can bring DBT skills to your holiday table this season.
1. Pause Before You React: Use the STOP Skill
Stop. Take a step back. Observe what’s happening inside and around you. Proceed mindfully.
When emotions surge, whether it's frustration, shame, anger, your instinct might be to defend yourself, withdraw, or shut down. The STOP skill is about buying yourself a few seconds to choose your response intentionally rather than react.
Before replying to a provocative comment or rolling your eyes, take a slow breath. Feel your feet on the floor. Ask yourself: “What outcome do I want here?”
That short pause can shift everything.
2. Check the Facts Before Assuming Intent
Old family wounds can make it easy to interpret comments through a painful lens. Someone might say, “Still single?” or “Do you really need seconds?” and it lands like a personal attack. Before reacting, take a moment to check the facts.
Ask yourself:
What did they actually say, versus what I interpreted it to mean?
Is there another possible explanation (awkward humor, lack of awareness)?
What emotion is being triggered for me, and does it fit the facts of this moment?
You don’t have to excuse invalidation, but separating perception from interpretation helps you respond from wise mind instead of emotion mind.
3. Use Opposite Action to Defuse Emotional Loops
When emotions are justified but unhelpful; say, anger at a relative who always criticizes you or others, Opposite Action can help you regulate.
Instead of matching irritation with more irritation, try softening your body language, lowering your tone, or even finding humor in the moment.
If your urge is to storm out, Opposite Action might mean staying grounded and engaging gently with someone else who feels safer. It’s not about suppressing emotion; it’s about choosing the behavior that serves your values.
4. Anchor Yourself with PLEASE Skills
Holiday stress often worsens when we’re physically depleted. DBT reminds us that our emotional resilience depends on how well we care for our body.
The PLEASE skills:
Physical illness – treat it
Low eating – eat balanced meals
Energy – avoid mood-altering substances
Avoid mood-altering drugs (or alcohol)
Sleep – get enough rest
Exercise – move your body
Before you go to a family event, ask yourself which of those five things might be out of balance and making you more emotionally vulnerable. Meeting these needs first makes you far less likely to be swept up in emotional reactivity.
5. Validate Yourself, Even If Others Don’t
One of the most painful holiday triggers is invalidation. Maybe a parent downplays your stress, or an old friend jokes about your boundaries.
Self-validation is the antidote. You can silently remind yourself:
“It makes sense that I’m feeling this way right now. Anyone with my history and values might feel the same.”
Self-validation doesn’t require approval from others, it’s about recognizing your own experience as real and understandable.
6. Create an Exit Strategy
Sometimes the best DBT skill is knowing when to leave skillfully. If you feel overwhelmed, have a plan for a quick walk, a short bathroom break, or a time-out in your car with calming music.
Think of this as Distress Tolerance in action; giving yourself permission to soothe rather than suppress when emotions get too high.
7. Remember: You Don’t Have to Be Perfectly "Zen"
It’s okay if you still get reactive. DBT isn’t about perfection, it’s about awareness and choice. Each time you notice a trigger, pause, and choose a mindful response, you’re strengthening your Wise Mind and breaking an old pattern.
This holiday season, practice being both gentle and skillful with yourself. You might be surprised how much calmer and more connected the season feels when you bring DBT to the table.