Why Mindfulness Feels Harder Than It Should

Mindfulness has become a buzzword. But for many gay men, the idea of “being present” or “sitting with your feelings” is incredibly challenging. Why? Because so many of us have been conditioned, subtly or overtly, to disconnect from our bodies, our emotions, and even our identities.

When you grow up absorbing messages that there is something wrong with you because of who you are, tuning in can feel like opening the door to pain. So we learn to check out instead - through perfectionism, humor, sex, substances, overachievement, or people-pleasing.

But mindfulness, the act of being present without judgment, isn’t about drowning in discomfort. It’s about slowly, gently reclaiming your inner world.

What Is Mindfulness (and What It’s Not)

In DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), mindfulness means observing, describing, and participating in the moment. It’s not about emptying your mind or achieving some blissful state. It's about being awake to what's happening inside you and around you, without numbing, judging, or avoiding.

Examples:

• Noticing a tightness in your chest and saying, “I feel anxious,” instead of pushing it away.

• Listening to someone without planning your response.

• Feeling desire, sadness, or joy, and just letting the emotion be what it is.

Why Gay Men Often Struggle to Tune In

Growing up gay in a heteronormative world often involves emotional shape-shifting:

• Smiling when you’re scared.

• Acting nonchalant when you’re angry.

• Minimizing your needs to keep the peace.

Over time, these survival strategies create disconnection:

• From our emotions (“I don’t know what I feel.”)

• From our bodies (“I don’t know what I enjoy physically.”)

• From our values (“I don’t even know what I want my life to look like.”)

Mindfulness can help reverse that.

3 DBT-Inspired Mindfulness Practices to Try

1. Name It to Tame It

Set a timer for 1 minute and notice what you’re feeling emotionally and physically. Label it with kindness: “I’m feeling tense. I notice tightness in my neck. That makes sense.”

2. One-Mindfully

Do one thing at a time without multitasking. Drink your coffee and focus fully on the sensations and flavors. Walk without checking your phone. Practice being fully present in small, doable ways.

3. Nonjudgmental Stance

Notice how often you say things like “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “That was dumb.” Try replacing those thoughts with: “This is what’s happening.” Not labeling things, just describing the facts.

Mindfulness is An Act of Self-Love

Tuning into yourself, after years of being taught to tune out, is radical. Mindfulness isn’t just self-care, it’s an act of defiance against shame. It’s how we begin to return to ourselves. And it doesn’t require perfection, just willingness.

Start small. Start gently. But start.