Have you ever felt stuck between two seemingly opposite feelings—like wanting to be alone and craving connection, or feeling angry at someone and still loving them? If so, you’ve already experienced the heart of dialectics — a core concept in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). At its simplest, dialectics means that two things that seem contradictory can both be true at the same time. It may sound philosophical, but it’s actually one of the most practical tools for emotional health.

What Are Dialectics?

Dialectics are about moving beyond either-or thinking and embracing the “both-and.” Instead of choosing between two opposing ideas, DBT invites us to recognize that two things that seem like opposites can both be true at the same time.

Some examples:

    •    I’m doing the best I can, and I need to do better.

    •    I feel hurt by you, and I care about you.

    •    I feel anxious around new people, and I want to make new friends.

This kind of thinking might feel unfamiliar at first, especially if you grew up in an environment where emotions were either invalidated (“you’re overreacting”) or forced into extremes (things were seen as either bad or good, wrong or right). But dialectical thinking can be healing. It allows us to hold space for complexity, which is often where real growth happens.

Why It Matters in Everyday Life

When we get caught in black-and-white thinking, we tend to react impulsively, shut down conversations, or fall into shame. Dialectical thinking opens up more balanced ways of responding:

    •    In relationships, it helps us navigate conflict with more compassion for the other person while validating our own feelings.

    •    In emotional moments, it helps us avoid all-or-nothing spirals about whether we are "wrong" or the other person is.

    •    In therapy, it allows us to validate our past as well as existing challenges while still working toward change.

Rather than picking a side or trying to eliminate discomfort, DBT encourages us to hold tension with curiosity. That tension isn’t a sign something’s wrong —it’s often where the most meaningful growth starts.

Practicing Dialectics

Here are a few ways to begin incorporating dialectical thinking into your life:

    1.    Replace “but” with “and.”

Try: “I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I’m trying to stay grounded.”

    2.    Check for extremes.

When you find yourself thinking in absolutes (“always,” “never,” “completely”), pause and ask: What else might be true?

    3.    Validate and challenge.

Acknowledge your emotions as real and valid, and gently explore whether your thoughts are the only interpretation.

Final Thought

Dialectics aren’t just a therapy concept — they’re a mindset and a new way of viewing the world. One that honors our full humanity and allows for multiple, contradicting truths to be valid at the same time. When we are dialectical we make space for the messy, conflicting, beautiful truth of being a person who can hurt and heal, fall apart and rebuild, feel lost and still move forward.

In a world that pushes us to choose sides, dialectics offer a rare gift: the freedom to hold and honor both.